Simply Being
October 5, 2017
What’s Impermanent? Oh Everything . . .
October 19, 2017On Relating
Relating can be difficult. We all know this. If we've really tried to connect deeply with someone, over time, the experience can be fraught in moments with all kinds of uncertainties, confusion and even difficulties. So how do we find our way through? I mean what are the guideposts to help us have more loving, open, trusting connections with people? I've found a few things that I think are universally needed in order for relating to flow in both directions more nourishingly.
The first is to have some awareness of who we show up as and how we bring ourselves to our connections with others. In other words who do we become when we relate with someone. We all have different aspects of ourselves that get highlighted depending on the context and the person we are relating to, and having some objectivity on how we are behaving and responding to another is extremely helpful in order to see our way clear in these interactions. Do we become a more timid version of ourselves, or perhaps more aggressive? Do we feel confident, or are we trying to prove something to the other person? How do we feel inside our own skin when we are around this person? Do we like them, and do we like who we become with them? While these are not questions we necessarily think of in every interaction, if there is difficulty in relating I think these are very helpful things to ask in order to understand what is happening for us in the difficulty, and how we might be contributing to it.
One of the more arduous steps in becoming more skilled at relating well is learning to take responsibility for what we are bringing to the interaction that may or may not be apparent to us in a given moment. Our tone of voice reveals how we are feeling at a deeper level than we are sometimes aware of. If we are irritable, judgmental, angry, or afraid this will be conveyed in tone of voice and body language more than words necessarily. It’s basically impossible to override these feelings, and no matter how well trained we are at doing so, how we really feel will slip out either directly or inadvertently at some point if left unchecked. Many of us are very sensitive to subtle cues and will react to what’s going on beneath the surface of things in relating to another, and instead of denying how we are feeling and expecting others to believe us, it’s much more interesting, and authentic, to get in touch with what’s happening for us in order to be able to communicate clearly and effectively. This can be precarious territory to navigate, however it greatly enlivens relating when done effectively.
In order to clearly communicate about what’s happening for us, we must learn how to allow what we are feeling to fully enter into our consciousness. Letting go of focusing on another’s behaviors or actions that might be distressing to us isn’t easy but bringing our attention to how we are feeling and what we are needing, and not indulging the story of victimization that can take over our immediate experience is imperative to resolving conflict. Our ability to do this reduces and even heals defensiveness that can shut down real communication. When we can slow down, pause our actions, and allow what’s happening inside of us to be felt by meeting ourselves with kindness, and even humor, we don’t get stuck in the emotion. Without resistance, judgment, blame, or dissociation we can allow what’s gotten triggered to come up and move through in a very short amount of time. Research shows that it actually takes only 90 seconds for a feeling to fully come to resolution if allowed in the moment; however we can get stuck for years in resentments and grief that never resolves and therefore does not allow us to be as open and free as we can be. Relating suffers as a result.
Finally, we must come to a place where we can speak our truth and what we want without demand or contempt for the other. In this way, our chance of being heard, being responded to, and feeling more connected is way greater. Without unrealistic expectations we can ask for what we want, be willing to get it, deal with our disappointment if not, and decide how close to be to another based on their availability to our requests for intimacy. John Gottman, relationship researcher, calls these bids for intimacy and the more that we turn toward them the better the relationship’s chance of continuing are. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
In learning more about ourselves and what we need, and by learning how to communicate what we want to our loved ones we relate as mature adults. In this maturity there is more free flow of energy, love, trust, truth, and pleasure available to take place between us and those we love. Showing up fully in our relationships is demanding, but not doing so is deeply draining and leads us further and further away from those we want to share intimacy with. These conscious behavioral actions really determine the quality of our relationships. We’ve all learned one way or the other that demanding and ignoring don’t work to get us what we want. Checking out and hoping things will get better without putting any attention on them will not improve our lives or our connections with other people. It takes sustained effort to get to know both ourselves and others better in order for harmony to reign in our relating.
Relating can be difficult. We all know this. If we’ve really tried to connect deeply with someone, over time, the experience can be fraught in moments with all kinds of uncertainties, confusion and even difficulties. So how do we find our way through? I mean what are the guideposts to help us have more loving, open, trusting connections with people? I’ve found a few things that I think are universally needed in order for relating to flow in both directions more nourishingly.
The first is to have some awareness of who we show up as and how we bring ourselves to our connections with others. In other words who do we become when we relate with someone. We all have different aspects of ourselves that get highlighted depending on the context and the person we are relating to, and having some objectivity on how we are behaving and responding to another is extremely helpful in order to see our way clear in these interactions. Do we become a more timid version of ourselves, or perhaps more aggressive? Do we feel confident, or are we trying to prove something to the other person? How do we feel inside our own skin when we are around this person? Do we like them, and do we like who we become with them? While these are not questions we necessarily think of in every interaction, if there is difficulty in relating I think these are very helpful things to ask in order to understand what is happening for us in the difficulty, and how we might be contributing to it.
One of the more arduous steps in becoming more skilled at relating well is learning to take responsibility for what we are bringing to the interaction that may or may not be apparent to us in a given moment. Our tone of voice reveals how we are feeling at a deeper level than we are sometimes aware of. If we are irritable, judgmental, angry, or afraid this will be conveyed in tone of voice and body language more than words necessarily. It’s basically impossible to override these feelings, and no matter how well trained we are at doing so, how we really feel will slip out either directly or inadvertently at some point if left unchecked. Many of us are very sensitive to subtle cues and will react to what’s going on beneath the surface of things in relating to another, and instead of denying how we are feeling and expecting others to believe us, it’s much more interesting, and authentic, to get in touch with what’s happening for us in order to be able to communicate clearly and effectively. This can be precarious territory to navigate, however it greatly enlivens relating when done effectively.
In order to clearly communicate about what’s happening for us, we must learn how to allow what we are feeling to fully enter into our consciousness. Letting go of focusing on another’s behaviors or actions that might be distressing to us isn’t easy but bringing our attention to how we are feeling and what we are needing, and not indulging the story of victimization that can take over our immediate experience is imperative to resolving conflict. Our ability to do this reduces and even heals defensiveness that can shut down real communication. When we can slow down, pause our actions, and allow what’s happening inside of us to be felt by meeting ourselves with kindness, and even humor, we don’t get stuck in the emotion. Without resistance, judgment, blame, or dissociation we can allow what’s gotten triggered to come up and move through in a very short amount of time. Research shows that it actually takes only 90 seconds for a feeling to fully come to resolution if allowed in the moment; however we can get stuck for years in resentments and grief that never resolves and therefore does not allow us to be as open and free as we can be. Relating suffers as a result.
Finally, we must come to a place where we can speak our truth and what we want without demand or contempt for the other. In this way, our chance of being heard, being responded to, and feeling more connected is way greater. Without unrealistic expectations we can ask for what we want, be willing to get it, deal with our disappointment if not, and decide how close to be to another based on their availability to our requests for intimacy. John Gottman, relationship researcher, calls these bids for intimacy and the more that we turn toward them the better the relationship’s chance of continuing are. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
In learning more about ourselves and what we need, and by learning how to communicate what we want to our loved ones we relate as mature adults. In this maturity there is more free flow of energy, love, trust, truth, and pleasure available to take place between us and those we love. Showing up fully in our relationships is demanding, but not doing so is deeply draining and leads us further and further away from those we want to share intimacy with. These conscious behavioral actions really determine the quality of our relationships. We’ve all learned one way or the other that demanding and ignoring don’t work to get us what we want. Checking out and hoping things will get better without putting any attention on them will not improve our lives or our connections with other people. It takes sustained effort to get to know both ourselves and others better in order for harmony to reign in our relating.